Hate kids

I have been with my boyfriend 3 years, lived together the last 2 years and he has 2 kids under 10 years old. I don't have kids and never wanted any. They are good kids, just wildly hyper and act really immature at times (baby talk, can't do anything for themselves, always need constant adult interaction - can't ever just play by themselves for 15 minutes - literally). We're moving now and in my heart I want us to move to separate places. Im just not a kid person and find raising kids to be draining. Im always super kind and do the right thing and they adore me, but that means they are up my ass constantly. He says if we don't move together then we break up. I've even expressed how hard it's been for me to be around the kids so much. Im career driven and in my 40s. I love this man with all my heart, but is love enough? Or will I resent it if I go along and let us all move in together?
Soccer practice, baseball, cheerleading,... every evening is something else. All things I have zero interest in.
I like my house clean - these kids don't pick up after themselves. I have a busy life and hate picking up after more people. Just everything about life revolving around kids is not me. I have always loved picking up and traveling spontaneously.... can't do that anymore. My finances are no longer my own. How many people regret getting into the step parenting role, especially those who are childfree?
I'm being naive to think this can work, aren't I? I dread waiting til I'm in my later 50s until we're able to do what we want, and that's only if the kids turn out ok. We might be financially drained by then too! I hate that he waited so long to have kids.

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  • I am a girl and my girlfriend has a 7yr old.. i love her so much i can't imagine my life without her... i cant stand the kid. I met her when i was traveling the world and stopped my travels for her. Now fighting for a 7000$ Australian visa together and we are thinking of marriage. But i hate her kid so much! And she knows it!!!! I do not know what to do either because I know im not leaving her and she isnt going to leave me! I'm only happy when hes not around and she is always arguing at me saying she wants a 'family unit'. I am so so happy when the kid is at school or in bed! As soon as hea around i feel numb and uncomfortable

  • Yep, I know that feeling. I just ended things. I love travelling too, can you sacrifice the next 12+ years of your life to be a family unit? I know you love her, but if she knows you hate her kid.... resentment is right around the corner.
    Her kid will always come first.
    Check out the forums on step talk dot org.
    I don't see a happy life possible here.

  • Seems you havent got a match in your lifestyles, you need to move on as you dont seem happy. You are what you are and need someone similar, your situation has strings attatched. Dont accept," I cant find no one so you will have to do". I am divorced since age 54 and now I am 64. I know that at my age I wont be capable of moving into another family. A woman I met recently reminds me of all the reasons I dont want a relationship anymore, bossy and controling to a point where she is just ignorant. I am staying on my own.

  • The fact that he said "if we don't move in together it's over" says it all! He's scared to be alone he got attatched to you yes you may love this man but there's different kinds of love! If your not happy
    L E A V E HIM! in a matter of time you will only feel closeted and trapped. My brother in laws friend went through the same with his now "wife" not happy wife happy life. She had 2 kids from a past relationship he got fooled by her demeanor and ways, sooner than later she lied about taking birth control and got trapped with 6 kids from him and the 2 extra from the past that the babies dad doesn't come to see them. He was forced to marry her because she became influent and very manipulative. When he's show up at parties you can see the depressive state he was In lied to cheated on and no attatchment towards those poor kids who have zero fault. He was the kind of guy you'd find on the edge of the blue waters taking selfies always alone bussiness guy engineer full suit and tie loved to go out and have fun now he's busting his ass at work while his wife stays at home and he has to deal with her nagging and bad ways of spending money. This dude is not happy. Don't go through the unhappy path it will only cause lacerations as time goes by and you will feel miserable

  • Thank you, I really need to hear the truth about this, and that's so sad about you're brother in law's friend. That would be me.

  • This may seem like a silly question but why did you start a relationship with a man who you knew had children if you dislike children? They are a package deal . To be honest it sounds like you are using then to justify ending the relationship. You really shouldn't have stayed so long and let the children get attached to you.

  • I always avoided dating men with kids, and heard over and over by these men I would turn down that I was not being "open minded", to just give them a chance, that they weren't looking for someone to parent their kids, that I didn't need to be involved with the kids,... and many men were flat out rude and unkind about my decision.
    So, I tried it. And I would be able to handle it if the guy only had them every other weekend. But, during weekdays and weekends makes it pretty tough to not be involved. I tried really hard to be open to this, but it's not me.
    Yes, I knew he had kids in the beginning. But I had never experienced how this would be before.
    I always believed that parenting is something that people should the very seriously, it's a huge responsibility, tons of sacrifice, and lasts forever. I applaud and have respect for parents who doe their job well. It was just always something I never wanted personally.
    Of course I feel like a horrible person for being involved this long, I've tried asking us to go to counseling so I could learn how to manage this better, I've tried talking to fiancee about my struggles, I've written him letters explaining myself,... he doesn't think it's an issue... and frankly, I felt that it was his responsibility to make sure the woman he's with matches and fits for not only him, but also his kids. I have been honest about my feelings... he blows me off.
    I want to do the right thing for all involved. I would also agree to continue to visit kids as long as they wanted me to. I'm pretty sure once they reach their teens that they will rather hang w peers.

  • There's a lot going on here. The first is your relationship with these kids. They are attached to you. But you need to figure out if you can make room for them in your life. Yes, they are going to grow up and go off on their own. But you are and have been an integral part of their lives and just because they may want to hang with their friends, they will still need you (even if they don't always voice it). You may even like them more as they move into adulthood. But kids need stability. So you need to figure out how you fit in. Are you there 100% of the time or just occasionally. And does your relationship work..which is the next concerning part. Your most recent post brings up even more concern with the guy you're involved with. The simple fact that you have brought up your concerns multiple times and he brushes it away. He discounts your feelings. That is a red flag. You wanted him to be the judge and jury to figure out who was going to be in his kids lives, it sounds like as long as it suits him and his needs - he doesn't really care. He's selfish in a whole other way. You had mentioned that these kids were immature (given that they are still kids) but maybe they act up a bit more at dad's house because they need to try harder to connect with him. What's he like with them? Does he actively participate with them or does he turn on the tv? Or does he expect that you are the entertainer and leaves it up to you to plan stuff? It's time for you to see a therapist. You need to figure a whole of stuff out soon.

  • I always have to be the planner or nothing happens. But he is a very loving am's supportive dad to his kids.

  • I have an appt w a counselor this Monday. You're correct that it's not just w the kids that he doesn't listen to me, it's in other aspects as well. It feels that staying w me is the easier path for him because he only pays half of everything that way. Its always been his way or no way, and im at fault for going along in an effort to prevent problems.
    I do like the kids, it's the complete change of lifestyle I struggle with. It's the chaos. I'm a quiet person. It's the disorganization. I begged for us to talk about having a gameplan first, like house expectations... no jumping and flipping on the furniture, maybe a few responsibilities for the kids... but if he doesn't think it's important, it's not worth talking about. I'm finally seeing how I'm expected to accept everything. My life and thoughts don't matter because he's got kids and he's gonna raise them how he wants. That's fine, just not in my house.
    I always keep my word, and I'm on good terms with his ex. She comes to me actually if she has a problem and then I talk to him because he's incapable of talking rationally with her. She and I have already talked about staying in contact to see the kids. I would definitely make time for them in my life whether with boyfriend or not.

  • How was your apppointment with the counselor today? Hopefully you gained some insight. In reading your latest message, it's really great that you and the ex wife get a long so well. It's very frustrating to hear how your bf deals with things. Not hearing you and supporting you could be deal breakers. Things need to change more with him than those kids. The planning thing, think that depends on the guy. Some guys are organized and are great planners and other guys notsomuch. You do have to weigh the good and bad in any relationship. What are things that can be compromised on etc.. Whatever you decide, some big changes are in store for everyone.

  • The session was more of an info gathering thing, but we did get to talk a little bit about it. She brought up more about the incompatibilities between us - way we handle finances, lifestyles.... I have my next appt Monday, but I am going to end this today before it goes any further. We just don't have a chance in the long haul bc resentment is going to start on both ends. I appreciate your insight and for taking the time to write in.

  • Things have a way of working things out. The end of this relationship means the beginning of a new chapter in your life. It's interesting how this post started to where it is now. Good for you for seeking help and seeing a therapist. It's all too easy to stay in a situation and complain but never do anything to make real changes. Hopefully you can find a way to keep in touch with the kids, if you want. Best wishes to you. It won't be an easy to break up, but it sounds like it's for the best. Give yourself time, you will be ok.

  • Awful day. Broke up with him. Utterly heart broken.

  • Now I'm sorry I asked because you are retarded.

  • Thanks. Very kind.

  • Marrying a man with no kids: He comes first to you and you come first to him.

    Marrying a man with kids: He comes fist to you, you probably come second, third or worse to him.

    Can you live with that for the rest of your life? Don't blame yourself for wanting more. You deserve the best.

  • You would've kids by now in my opinion, if you actually wanted them. Plus, it seems like you have more reservations, besides your partner having children.

    Perhaps, you should move on and find someone who doesn't have kids. His children already have a mother, so where is she? Does he have full custody or partial custody of them?

  • We have them exactly 50% of the time. They have a mom, they have a dad. I don't know why I need to be so involved. I don't make anyone feel guilty for not being interested in the things I do.
    I definitely could not cope if for some freak reason we got them full time.

  • You're involved because you're with their father. He's a father 100% of the time whether they are there or not and you are there by association. If something were to ever happen to their mother or if she was incapable of caring for them - guess what custody would go to their father. If you don't understand that, you need to move on. And it's true, you've been there 3 years...what part of that commitment to him and to them do you not understand. The kids were there before you and they'll be there after you leave. Not sure what part of the deal you don't understand.. think you need to leave this relationship. There is no compromise in this situation. You seem a bit too selfish to be with a guy with kids. And being selfish and knowing you don't want kids, there is nothing wrong with that. But you're with a guy with kids...you're next guy needs to be someone who does not have and does not want children.

  • I don't have kids and your complaining, its always the same way, the wrong people having kids and learn to stop and think before you fvck. I can't get a fvck bc I am ugly.

  • Dude, I do not have kids. I'm sorry you feel that you are ugly.

  • They aren't the op's children, so what the bejesus are you darling on about? You seem bitter!

  • You seem bitter

  • Shut your piehole!

  • Sounds like normal kids to me. You might want to find another boyfriend if you dislike being around them.

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