Husband leaving me - wasted my life

My husband is leaving me. There is no chance to repair the relationship. I have been the fault, a workaholic. I didn’t put him first. He said the love is dead from years of neglect. And I have been blind or avoiding the situation at home for so long. I continued going about life and feeling like it would resolve itself. Now that it’s over, the regret and remorse of wasting his time and life is overwhelming. It’s too late, and despite how much I love him and want to be with him, I don’t deserve to ask for another chance. I know, people always try to change when it’s too late. Sitting here looking back on what I’ve ruined and given up for basically a good career and healthy bank account is sad, pathetic. I had love and ruined it. Mostly I’m upset by how he feels he’s been robbed of years. I feel sick and like I’ve been hit by a train. Being sorry doesn’t even cut it. He deserved better and I failed him. How do years pass and one day you just wake up and realize you’ve given up the most precious gift someone can give to you- their time? I hate myself and I hate that I’ve done this to him.

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  • Something similar happened to me. I was the person waiting and she was more concerned with her job and career. I finally figured it out when she was having an affair with some office guy she met during her Business trips.She never confessed but I was tipped by one of her lovers wife and so I decided to move on..
    Hope she happy

  • I have been there and done that. She is gone now and I cant even say I am sorry. I wish I could wake her up for just five minutes and look into her big beautiful blue eyes and tell her how precious she was and how I would have never known what love was without her.

    She deserved so much better than me. It's not always easy because sometimes I am so overwhelmed with grief and shame because of the things I said and did to this sweet women that all I can do now is to be the person she wanted me to be so that her memory and love lives on.

  • I'm sorry for your loss. How are you doing these days?

  • He must be a white guy!

  • Inspired by your sheer ownership of the current state of affairs. Best part to solving a problem is owning it and moving forward. Own the situation like any business project and hone your output. Are you in a culdasac or a dip? The one thing is, this is what it is, you do not control his feelings. You should NOT be shaming yourself because the stereotypical future of a husband and wife did not happen. Go and meet someone else. Use this as an opportunity to make you better. Find someone that will vertically grow you.

    Even if he did stay. You think you love him. It just sounds like you two are on different levels that would prohibit this from working out. People grow.... people grow into love.. people grow out of love.

  • Thank you. I feel humbled and saddened by this entire experience. I wish that I had shown him sooner, and I wish after I had posted here and taken everyone's advice that I would have been given another chance by him. Unfortunately, he was too far gone and removed from our relationship. It has been a few months, and I am in an okay place. I've changed careers, work out frequently, surround myself with good friends and family, taking up cooking classes, and try to wake up positive daily. I miss him to the end of the Earth, and try to not contact him and wish him happiness. I know he has been going out 2-3am in the morning to the bars, and guys weekends and having fun. I love him, and I tried to show him, but he is certainly in a different place now. If he is happier without me, perhaps it is for the best.

  • Just give him half the bank account and move on. S*** happens.

  • --

    If you are not willing to make any adjustments, let him go. Grieve your marriage. Allow yourself to feel sad, forgive yourself, and move on. It's a process. Perhaps this has taught you a lesson that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. In which case, it wasn't a total loss. I'm sure he learned from the experience too. You both evolved. But if it pains you to make changes or adjustments and you can't do it without resentment, either the love isn't enough or it just isn't who you are. That's okay. Trust that someone else will come along that will match you the way you need them to. Perhaps this someone will admire how hard-working you are and be understanding. Perhaps this person will be just as career-oriented as you are. In any case, this experience has taught you something about yourself. How you choose to move forward will say plenty more.
    Best wishes.

  • I did make the adjustments. Thank you for the comments on here. Coming back now after awhile for an update and to reflect. He did not come back to me. The experience has taught me much and I'm trying to move forward and be the best version of me for the next relationship. I miss him and wish that I could have made it work out.

  • It isn't too late. You need to make a decision. What matters more -- your husband or your job? Are you willing to make adjustments in your life for him? Or are you just going through the motions?

    If you are serious about wanting to save your marriage, let go of this defeated mindset. Give yourself time to be sad, but jump back with determination. Talk to your husband. Open your heart to him. It's a risk, but it's better than living with another regret. Tell him you are willing to make adjustments in your job and/or go to counseling and MEAN IT. Your actions must follow. Put forth the effort. If you want marriage counseling, search information and show it to him. If you are going to make adjustments in your job, talk to him about the hours you are willing to give up so you can spend time with him, and any ideas you have. Sometimes a date on the weekend is enough. The point is, no broken promises, you have to actually put in the work. Telling him how you feel, why you feel that way, and providing a solution will show him that you are serious and give him more to think about, rather than you just telling him how sorry you are. Most importantly, LISTEN to him. Do not interrupt. If he's ready to leave, then he's probably very sensitive, and anything can put him over the edge if you get what I mean.
    --

  • He did end up leaving, despite my changes being made. I miss him daily, and he commends my efforts and said I will make someone very happy. He said he is saddened our lives ended up here, and saddened by us. At the end of the day, he said he just couldn't recommit once he was checked out. He said it may seem cold, but he has nothing left to give me.

  • Too late. He is banging other women he missed out on over the years. Hope your job is worth it. Its greed.

  • Now you know what so many married men go through. You work and work to support your family and try to make sure you prepare for the future only to find out that none of it is appreciated. You are blamed for never having enough time to spend with them. Men have been going through this forever, welcome to equality.

  • You can still fix this. Try asking for an another chance. All you need is an initiation.

  • I did ask for another chance. He said there wasn't enough time to fix anything. I tried to demonstrate and change, but he has gradually pulled away. He ignores my texts altogether now :( I did all the things he asked of me, I apologized, I was humble and regretful. Somehow that seemed to make things worse, as then he became more critical of my past mistakes. Every time I apologized, it seemed to escalate his anger towards me. When I started to change (one night I made his favorite dinner from scratch, cleaned the whole house, had his car detailed, and dressed up for him when he came home), he said that just made him more mad that I was capable of changing and being who he wanted, I just didn't previously. He told me to stop trying, his mind was made up and seeing that I could change solidified his decision.

  • I'll be your Valentine.

    Sometimes it's just not meant to be. You need that X factor.

  • Wow sounds like my wife.

    Married 24yrs. The last 15 have been a terrible kinky existence for me. A couple of years ago she said she'd had enough and moved to another bed room. I begged her to come back. Nothing changed. Still no love from her. She was too busy doing work and all her community good works.

    I spoke to a psychologist who said in a relationship you can end up with a chaser and a chasee. It was so obvious. I came to terms with it. I said "if you want to go then go. Be free".

    She suddenly started to try to be loving but I think she's forgotten how to love. Forgotten how to feel love. It's so mechanical.

    Now it's me who is thinking "just leave"

  • How are things now with your wife? I have fully moved out and have little hope. I am working on me. As recently as 2 weeks ago, he said he was ready to move on, and I'm not his obligation or responsibility anymore. We seemed to try for a bit, but he has fully given up and now is going out nightly drinking and partying, and has stopped contact with me. I did change, but see it was too late.

  • At least you admit your error. My ex-wife was openly in love with another man and after she did adultery with him I divorced her. She left me with three maxed out credit cards to pay for.

    Tell your husband you love him and will spend more time with him if he stays. In other words, tell him what you told us.

    Maybe he'll go back with you.

  • I did tell him (at first in the most desperate, pathetic, begging way possible). I'm sure that came across as a huge turnoff. He said at that time I was reinforcing his decision to leave. I gave it some time, worked on my self, made amends, and began asking to spend time together. I would pick up coffee and drop it off on the way to work, or come over and make him dinner, take care of errands for him, send supportive and loving messages to him daily. I took care of myself physically and emotionally. At the end of the day, he said it was nice to see all of the changes, but he didn't want to invest any more time into the relationship as history is the best indicator of the future, and I was a workaholic. He said, although he has seen changes, he is not willing to give another day to the relationship as he believes this wouldn't stay this way. He did tell me all he wanted to do was feel important, and I am making him feel this way now, but I should have done that in the past. It shouldn't take him leaving for me to start making changes and improve (his words). He said he wished all this has happened a year ago, and he sees that I've tried now, but he's ready to move on and start with someone new without the baggage and resentment he holds towards me.

  • Try flirting. Guys are visual creatures. Also show that you are proud and trust him

  • I did try working out, lost a bit of weight, dressed how I thought he would like. I attempted to be intimate several times with him - he said he wasn't in love with me anymore, and it wouldn't be right. I can understand; he said he was emotionally removed and didn't want to go back down that path with me again.

  • Did you not have your career when you two met? Even if you didn't, he still had to know what you were doing when you were working on advancing your career. He could have walked away at anytime, yet he chose to stay. If anyone wasted his time it was him. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on. The only actions you can control are your own actions. If more people understood that, this world would be a better place.

  • I did have a career when I met him, and still do presently. At the time when we first met, he loved the independence and money that it brought to the relationship. Later in life, he felt neglected and abandoned. I have taken a step down to have more time at home and a healthy work/personal life balance. He still chose to leave.

  • I feel for you, but I understand your husband's feelings. Career women don't do it for me either. I want a wife that nurtures and supports. Career women marry their job/company, and the husband feels cuckolded. I hope it isn't too late for you.

  • I am the OP. After serious time away and reflection, I have been able to see how much I do want a family, and to be a supportive, loving wife. At the time, I thought I was doing what was best by being the provider, but I lost out on much more. It has been 3 months, and unfortunately, despite my best efforts, he was not interested in rekindling our relationship. I was desperate and sad at first, then took time to truly make changes in my life. I changed careers, providing compliments, started working out even more, dressed my best, cooked and cleaned and "showed" him all that he wanted. He did say it was nice to see, and he felt appreciated, but at the end of the day, he didn't trust that it would stay that way permanently, and things would go back to how they were. This has taught me a valuable lesson, one that has changed who I am. I think I am a person that could be good wife to someone now. I think of him daily, and ache for him, but understand despite my efforts, he just didn't want to come back to me because it was too little too late (his words). I am trying to move forward daily.

  • At least you admit you were in the wrong. My ex-wife thought I was to blame for the collapse of our marriage even though she was actively in love with another man and demanded our son be named after him.The son was never conceived and I divorced her.

  • I'm sorry for what you went through. I hope you have found peace after all this time.

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