My Best Friend
I'm not entirely sure what this feeling is, but I've decided to just label it as something of a platonic love for now. It's been a couple months since I met this girl, and every single day since then I've had this feeling for her. I had just gotten out of a rather toxic friendship with this guy, and I'd also just started a friendship with her. I tried talking with her everyday, and she never pushed me away. In fact, she encouraged me. She was always so gentle and kind to me, even without knowing about my 'issues' she was just so awesome like that. She introduced me to a lot of people who I call my close friends today, and she's helped me be more happier, more confident, just more of myself. I feel like I can't tell anyone about just. How much I love her. How much she really means to me.
Of course, we do say how much our friendships mean to us. She's even went so far to say I'm like her twin she never had. Bless her, I love her so much. When I can, I'll remind her of how amazing she is to me, or just how much of an amazing person she is in general. I'll draw things for her just to see her happy. It always brightens my day when she says something nice about me, even if I have a hard time believing it. It makes me feel wonderful knowing I have even some worth in her eyes. She's incredibly talented too.
She always has my back when I ask, and I'll always have hers. She's seen me at my worst, and I was fully prepared to forget about her, but she stayed.
I get awfully jealous whenever I see someone getting something that resembles our friendships, unfortunately, but it's never anger towards her or the person in question. I just feel so inadequate around them, I suppose.
Still though, she has other people to talk to, other things to do. I can't let that get the better of me, she's a normal person just as much as I am, if not even more so.
I'm not sure if I'm capable of romantic feelings, but what I feel for her is definitely stronger than any platonic feelings I have. But I don't necessarily want to be with her, I just. I don't know. I just really want to be with her. All this probably has something to do with the fact I've been abused and mistreated for a lot of my life, and I'm still only 15, but she's just the best person I've ever met.
She says she sees me as a wonderful person, that she could never be mad at me for anything so trivial. That I'm kind, creative, and that she's glad to be my friend. I'm always grateful for whatever praise she has for me, but what if I wanted more. Over time, I've slowly yet surely started believing her words, but it's still difficult. I've shown her who I am, and a lot of me is telling me to leave, that I'm an awful person who nobody could love, much less by her. I've been so tired lately, and I haven't talked to her as much. And it scares me. I'm scared she'll leave me. I've told her so much, and although I know she wouldn't do such a thing, but I'm terrified she'd think less of me because of what happened.
Ugh. I can't hate her for making me feel so confused. I can't even mildly dislike her for anything. Wack.