My mental battle
I'm male and 20
For a couple of months now, I've been scared at the thought that I might be a pedophile. It's mainly because of past experience that make my brain think it but I would always tell myself for it to be false.
I was lost and destroyed and didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be a pedo. Its a disgusting feeling. I thought my life was done.
I started doing some research into it and it was a little soothing, but sometimes it'd make my thoughts worse. Luckily I found a group of people who could help.
They have in many ways helped me. They guide me in the right path. They make sure I'm taking all the right steps and they listen to what I have to say. They told me what i was doing right and wrong and they never shamed me about it. They gave me optimistic feelings about my future.
Whats also great is that have helped me establish one thing, I am not a pedophile. Even after telling them about past experiences and behaviours (nothing illegal) they explained how it doesn't fall under paedophilia.
It was refreshing and great to hear, although i struggle every now and then, i still feel optimistic about my future.
I never want to harm a child in such a way, f***, i never want to harm anyone in any way like that. And although i still have these intrusive thoughts that make me feel as if I'm a horrible person, i can always come past it.
I asked them if they believe this is what will define me. They don't, they want me to acknowledge the steps i have taken and how i am able to work past all of this and to be able to fully move on eventually.
Its scary stuff, but I'm pround in myself and i feel good.
I'm happy I took the right steps sooner rather than later.
*what i said is all true but i will not go into detail about any of it at all.
I just want to reiterate, i never did anything illegal and i never have or will harm anyone in the way that i thought i would.