Im probably not depressed

When i watch movies, videos or when i search up on google why am i feeling like this no reasons apply to me. i searched up like an clueless idiot on google ''WhY Do i hAtE tHe IdEa Of BeInG TrANsGeNDER?'' i couldnt find anything that i feel like i feel. i searched up almost everything about Lbgt but i couldnt feel anything that felt like me. even though im dating a girl and im a female (unhappily a female)

i relapsed again after more than 5 months. it felt good doing it again even though i dont know why i did it. it doesnt even count since i didnt bleed. or leave a mark, i just scraped away. and i look no different, it just left a cooling sensation after doing it.

i stopped eating too. i dont know why i did but i just did. the hunger feels good and right, and since i have thicker feminine legs i think itll help me look more masculine but it probably will never work. i only eat because im scared ill bother my family, but im probably just ruining their life like i did to myself and others.
i probably just saw something and am copying it again because i hate myself.
id rather be anyone else than me

18 days

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