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Oh my god
I am an absolute mess. i feel like nothing is going my way, yet stuff is going my way, sometimes, i feel really depressed one moment, the next im a ball of sunshine, the guy i have a crush on doesnt even know i exist, and i just feel so ** fractured. i feel split into two people, the side of me who wants to be a hedonistic knife weilding killer, and the other who wants to have a happy, peaceful life with a loving boyfriend in some nice town somewhere, though i feel like none of the two are ever gonna happen to me. my dad doesnt accept the fact that im gay, and he monitors most of my social media accounts, so i can barely uphold a fleeting online relationship. i feel so drained some times, yet full of energy others. i just want someone who i can cuddle with and who will comfort me n stuff, though that feels so far away, given that i am extremely awkward and can barely talk to people i dont know. i feel so angry at myself for not being able to talk to my crush or even aknowledge my existence to him, and i get made fun of for my sexuality at school, and my parents only care about me getting good grades and stuff, i dont know what do do with myself.
Sounds like you need time to figure out yourself before you start chasing relationships. believe me, if your still living at home, your life has really barely begun, opportunities abound. Hang in there and hey know that you are created for a purpose and loved by your creator