Broken Brained Adult
I am an adult with a learning disability.
I have ADHD & I do believe I am somewhere on the autism spectrum.
I get overwhelmed very easily & I have to learn things on a mixed level of visual, hands on, & straight from text.
And I hate myself for it because I was told repeatedly "it's not hard, you're just lazy. / Why can't you be like "X"?/ You should be in a home for special folks you're so ** stupid/useless ((that was an ex in s bought of anger)) "
As an adult it is becoming harder & harder to (mask/mimic) be like everyone else.
I struggled most my life to fit in & due to our society teaching, if you don't fit in you, are the problem.
I'm not fishing for complements; I'm just being honest in what I have observed around me.
I fell on hard times, like.......move back in with parents' hard times.
I needed a job ASAP, I need to get back on my feet & move on, because a useless adult needs to be useless on their own.
I applied with my prior work experience & answered to the first company that called me back.
I was going to work & do the best I could, so I got a job as a waitress (and we will leave it at that)
I had 5 days training, then was put on 3rd shift on a Friday night as a waitress.
5 days & moved to 3rds, I still couldn't call the orders, I still couldn't write them.....on a FRIDAY NIGHT.
There are three bars just around the corner of the restaurant's locations & several close by due to proximity of the city limits.
I have zero hate for 3rd shift anyone, Gods Bless You All for what you do & make your money.
But for me, I couldn't do it. I struggled; I was overwhelmed, & I was a failed.
I feel like a failure because I see my peers, family, friends & folks in the community do this & not struggle.
I see people with real handicaps & disability's do more, function better.
And I struggled.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I am not asking for pity party.
I am going to just ** it up and keep going.
I am going to have to pull my big girl britches up & lace up my boots & keeps going.
But that night is my biggest reminder that I am not equal, not even close to the same category.
I feel like a failure & I feel like it's my own fault.
I understand you on a deep level. I never could be like everyone else. I struggle with many things, sometimes I don't struggle as much, but I don't understand constantly happy people and it makes me mad that they have everything going for them and I can't get out of my head. I'm glad that you are resolving to keep going, no matter how hard it is, but you have to try something new for it. You're not broken, you're different. That otherness hurts me badly too. You feel lost, alone, unlovable, and like a total loser. Talk to someone, anyone who has understanding to listen. Don't go into the bottle. It's an expensive trick. Maybe try talking, praying, and maybe even weed or nicotine in moderation. Don't lose hope, one day at a time, one moment at a time.