I can't get closure

When i was a young girl, i met a much older guy through some mutual friends, i was 11 he was 17. i was so flattered that he liked me and i was so proud to have an older mature boyfriend who bought me gifts and treated me to meals etc. i obviously hid it from my mother and school mates just in case somebody told my teachers etc because i knew how it may look. one night we went out for a meal and the whole night was just amazing, he was so sweet and kind. then he said it was "time for us to have s** because he had waited long enough". i really didnt want to because i knew it would hurt because i was a virgin. i told him i was on my period to try and get him to back off but he didnt. he kept pinching and slapping me and telling me to take off my trousers. i tried to turn my body away so he couldnt hurt me but he shoved me in the nose with the heel of his hand, and then raped me. afterwards he told me that that's how all girls lost their virginity, nobody wanted to do it so they all had to be forced. i didnt really believe him but none of my friends had had s** so i couldnt ask them. a week after this, he started to beat me. everyday it was something different, sometimes he whipped me with wet towels, sometimes he threw me down steps and across the room, and most of the time he raped me too. his favourite thing to do was to pull out my hair because i have thick curly hair which hurts excruciatingly when pulled. when i was 14 i finally told somebody about it. they called me a liar and asked me why i never had any black eyes or swollen lips. i told them that he never ever hit my face and they still didn't believe me. the next day he kicked me so hard in the stomach that i think i broke a rib. i called the girl who said i was a liar into a corner while we were out and about and lifted up my top. she saw that my b****** and stomach were swollen and all colour of bruises and she broke down crying. she gave me the support and strength to leave him. a month later i found out i was pregnant. as i was only 14 i had to go to the doctors alone and have an abortion. when the doctor asked me to pull my top up a little bit to feel my ovaries from outside, he saw all my bruises. he asked me if i was being sexually abused by a relative and it made me sick to think he thought my dad had done this. having an abortion was the worst thing that i ever did. i have found out that i may never have children, and that could have been my last hope for a child. the boy who abused me was killed in a car accident 3 years ago. when i visited him in hospital i couldnt help but be so devastated and i cried for days. why did i cry? i should have been happy. but now whenever i dont really want to have s** i agree anyway because i dont want to be forced. i do anything that any of my boyfriends tell me to because i dont want to get hit. if they do something bad i can't confront them because i dont want them to hit me. i wish i could beat the s*** out of him but i cant

7 Comments

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  • As a man and a male of our species,and on behalf of all fathers everywhere, I am profoundly sorry that a male did this to you. He must have been evil to have done that.I am so sorry and you have the greatest sympathy in my heart.

  • Can I have your number?

  • Why were you with this guy when you were 11? Why did you keep seeing him after he raped you? Why did you just not walk (or better yet, Run) away from him?

  • I agreed with the last comment. Report anything && everything to the police. If you feel sexually pressured then end the relationship, it's not a good one. stay safe && good luck in life.

  • Oh my dear, I am so very sorry you had such a horrible thing happen to you! First STOP having s**! if anyone hits you or tries to rape you call the police at once! You do NOT have to endure another moment of hurt.Only have s** IF and WHEN on your terms@ DO NOT EVER do anything sexually you don't want to. No matter who the other person is or how much you like him! Always put your self ahead of the guy! You are the BOSS of you.
    You may think about some counseling,it has helped others.
    Good luck and GOD bless.

  • WHERE THE F*** WERE YOUR PARENTS IN ALL OF THIS MAYHEM?

  • some teenagers dont tell their parents the things they should tell them right away because they dont want to disappoint them. im guessing that her parents were religous and cared what the town thought about them, so she didnt want to "bring shame to the family"... mulan anyone?

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