I'm so tired of being sick
I feel nauseated and fatigued almost every day, but even when I'm very tired I have terrible insomnia. It's hard to get anything done feeling this way. Common chores that should be trivial, like scrubbing the shower/bath or vacuuming, exhaust me, so I can't even keep the house as clean as I want it to be. Sometimes even bathing and washing my hair seems like an insurmountable task.
It's hard to even enjoy anything sometimes when I'm particularly sick. It can be hard to even focus on a book or TV show. Sometimes I can't enjoy food, but I have to force myself to eat because I know I'll feel worse if I don't.
Doctors can't find anything physically wrong with me. This is just how my body is, so I have no choice but to accept it.
I try to stay positive as much as I can. It could be worse. I'm very lucky to have a loving and supportive family, so I've always had a roof over my head, healthy food to eat, and things like books and TV and internet access to entertain me. So many people are worse off than me. I am thankful and grateful for what I have.
But because doctors haven't been able to help me, I don't have any hope that I'll ever get any better. In fact, my health just seems to get slightly worse every year. And I feel like a burden to my family. I do my best to contribute what I can, but it never feels like I'm able to give anyone else as much as they give me, and that feels awful.
Sometimes I wish I'd go to the doctor and they'd tell me I was dying. It's not that I'm suicidal or even that I want to die. I want to live. But I want to live a normal life. I want to have a job, make my own money, be independent, get the things done that I want to get done. But I can't do any of that. My life doesn't even feel like a real life sometimes. It just seems like everyone (including me) would be better off if I would just peacefully pass away without it being anyone's fault.
I'm just so tired.